So, here’s the thing about living in Rockford: it sucks.
I know I’m being a brat and living here actually isn’t that bad, but I can’t help it. I feel like I’m in a funk and I think it’s because I can’t seem to get happy here. This is a huge struggle for me because I like to think of myself as someone who can be happy no mater what. I have always believed that happiness depends on you. If you’re not happy, you are fully capable of changing your attitude, changing what you’re doing or whatever it takes to make yourself happy. It shouldn’t depend on your circumstances, but on what you choose to do, say, believe, etc. And I still believe this. I think I’m just having a hard time figuring out what changes to make.
Because here’s the thing. The things that are making me unhappy are things that I have to put up with for the time being so that I can be happy in the future. I know living here and working at the stupid job I have right now is temporary. And that the only way I will be able to go to Europe in January and eventually move to a different place is if I stay here for a few more months and save money. But I still hate it.
I think part of it comes from the fact that I was so in love with my life in Madison for the last four years. Even if I had a bad day (or week or month), I always felt so lucky to be living in Madison with my best friends. I loved that I had the opportunity to go to school there, even if it meant I had to spend hours studying and still work a full time job. It didn’t matter because I was living in a city that I loved surrounded by the people that I loved. I was able to almost always look on the bright side no matter what because I knew that the positives outweighed the negatives by, like, a hundred thousand million.
In Rockford, not so much. I realize that I’m incredibly lucky to be able to live at home and save money. I realize that I’m lucky that I have a job where I make good money and only work 40 hours a week. I realize that I’m lucky that I am only an hour away from both Madison and Chicago, and that I have a car and enough money for gas to visit both pretty frequently. And I realize that complaining about my life even though I have all of these things makes me sound like a total princess.
But at the same time, I can’t seem to get rid of the feeling that I could be doing something more. I don’t want to be stuck working at this dumb job that I don’t like in this town where I have no friends, even if it is only temporary.
Basically, what I’m getting at is that I need a major attitude adjustment. I need to start refocusing on ways to make myself happy, even though I’m not necessarily living out my ideal scenario right now. It’s hard for me because I’ve always been the girl that could smile no matter what, even if shit sucked for a while. I just need to work a little harder to get back to that place now.
I’m not really sure what I wanted to get out of dumping all of this here, but hopefully this will be a reminder to myself that I need to stop wallowing and feeling sorry for myself and make the best out of a (realistically, not-so) shitty situation. Ugh, being an adult is hard stuff.