How To Get Wild In New Zealand

First things first, I want to publicly apologize to my parents for this post. I promise I’m going to class over here too sometimes.

Now, I want to talk about something near and dear to my heart. Going out in Palmy. There’s not too much to do in Palmerston North on the weekends other than drink. We have bravely accepted this challenge and developed an almost foolproof way to make sure the weekend doesn’t suck. It was a lot of hard work, but what can I say. That’s just my cross to bear.

This is a timeline of how a typical Thursday or Saturday night (and occasionally a Sunday morning) plays out.

–Complain about how tired you are at dinner. Overcompensate with 7 cups of coffee in preparation.

–Go home and shower. Struggle to wash your hair because your hands are shaking from all of the caffeine.

–Try to pick out something to wear. Remember that you suck at being a girl.

–Pack a bag to bring to Totara for getting ready/pre-gaming. This bag will include, but is not limited to: Scrumpy, temporary tattoos, poofing comb, and at least 5 different outfit choices (even though you will end up wearing what you already have on)


–Get to Totara. Play Buttons by the Pussycat Dolls. Just do it and thank me later.

 –Put on the aforementioned temporary tattoos. Location is up to you, but if you want my expert advice a pirate tat on your upper back never looks bad.

–Snapchat everyone you know. This is to continue all night long. Also take really pretty pictures on every camera you can find.


–Decide to take the bus into town. 5 minutes before it leaves, remember that you can’t take alcohol with you on the bus. Obviously you’re not done drinking, it’s only 10pm. Decide to walk and scrump instead.

–Take advantage of NZ’s lack of open container laws and drink Scrumpy while you walk into town. Decide it’s a good idea to wear pants on your head because it is cold out and pants are almost sweaters.

Unfortunately this isn’t me. I’m not this funny.

–Stop at the gas station right before the liquor ban and chug the rest of your Scrumpy. Bonus points for heart to hearts on the bench.


Gas station heart to hearts are the best kind of heart to hearts. Scrumpy in hand, always.
 –If it’s after 11, go to Beer Barrel. Try your best to not fall down so that they will let you inside. If it’s before 11, go to Shooters until then. Beer Barrel is not fun until it’s so packed that it’s impossible to not be stepped on.ImageImage–If for some reason you aren’t allowed into Beer Barrel, go to EV instead. This should only ever be a second choice. Realize there are only 2 other people there besides you. Immediately take a shot of Jim Beam. 


–Dance. This is crucial. Bars in New Zealand are not conducive to standing around, talking and drinking. Tomorrow, you should be able to tell if you had a good night by whether or not your legs are sore.


 –Put a pirate sticker on the bathroom wall to mark your territory. While in the bathroom (with a girlfriend of course), make sure to take secret shots, promise to be each others bridesmaids, and take embarrassing pictures.


–Stay at the bar until you find someone to drive you home or you decide you’re too hungry to be in public.

–Get food from The Naked Pie Man (or the free food cart if you’re really lucky). Walk home. Complain about how far away from campus you are. Go back to Totara and eat cheese and/or scrambled eggs with your hands.


–Fall asleep to an episode of Cupcake Wars.

There you have it, 5 easy steps to a real real good time in New Zealand. If you have any questions or want The Naked Pie Man’s phone number feel free to email me.


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